Wednesday, June 25, 2008

WHAT'S MY HANG UP?!?



I want to try talking about what's been on my mind lately. I haven't tried to just "talk"to my blog yet but I'm going to try opening up and give this whole vulnerable thing a try. Here goes nothing...
As most of you know {if you know me at all} I don't have any kids yet. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 4 years now and we've talked about wanting to try for kids next year. {Don't get too excited, nothing is carved in stone yet!} When we got married I told Jared that I wanted to wait 5 years before having kids. Were right on track right for that target. So your wondering, "What's your problem then?!?" Well I'll tell you what my problem is, I feel like an AWFUL person because I still don't have that yearning, that longing to have kids! Don't laugh, I'm being totally serious! I've prayed about it, I've thought about it non stop, I've worried about it and I don't have that excited feeling for kids yet! I don't know if I want kids in the next 2 years, who knows! I just feel like the worst person in the world because I am still in a selfish phase of my life where I want to accomplish things for ME: I want to travel ever corner of the world, I want to enjoy the satisfaction that my career gives me each day, I want to pick up a new hobby that pushes my comfort zones, I want, I want, I WANT! Do you see my problem? I just have this HUGE overwhelming fear that if I had a child too soon for me that I would resent them somehow for "taking away" the things I wanted to do in my life. Believe me, I've told myself that kids aren't the end of my life but I still can't quite convince myself of that fact either!

Here's the kicker, I LOVE kids, I really do. I have no problems being around them, I have no worries about the fact that I'll be a great mother, I have no problems wanting to have a baby...when I'm ready. But my question is, "What's my hang up and when am I going to ever feel like I'm ready?" Have any of you ever felt these same feelings? Do you have any wisdom or advice for me? I could use some help right now because I feel so alone in my thoughts. Here's what I DO know: I know that children bring out the mother in you as soon as they are conceived, I know that kids make your heart smile all the time, I know that kids make you love in a way so deep that you wonder if it can all fit inside you, I know that kids make you a better person because they're spirits are so Christ like, and I know that being a mother is the hardest, most challenging job in the world...but looking into your child's eyes makes it worth it 10 times over again. But what do I know?

17 comments:

Destiny Rayburn said...

I have the exact same hang up as well as Shay! We are just having so much fun and have absolutely no desire to throw kids in the mix. So I too feel the same way as you, I'm being selfish, but isn't it a bad thing to bring a child into the world when you don't even want it? Isn't that bad parenting? I think it might be, depending on the person of course. Well, we have discussed this before and you and I are on the same page so don't ever feel alone. I love ya sis!

CHYNOWETH FAM said...

Your not bad at all, I don't think anyone is ever ready for kids. When it happens you'll love it, but enjoy your time while you can.

Nikki said...

Some days I think to myself, it would be nice to do what I want when I want to and how I want to. But, at night when I go into my girl's room to pull the covers up on her, my heart melts and I know right then and there all the things I gave up have been worth it 100%. You get to experience the most amazing things in the world right in your own home. I agree that nobody is ever really ready for being a parent. But, I gaurantee you give your heart over to it and you'll be surprised by how much it pays back. Plus, you can still travel, it'll just be with a stoller and a bag full of diapers!!

Whitney said...

Im with Nikki! It is 100 times worth any traveling or any "me" time! I love being a mom! and as you know i wasn't planning on being a mom so soon. BUT I LOVE IT! Crew truly is the light in my life! he is my best little buddy! there is a love you cant describe when you become a mother. I feel that it is a little different than a father. We birth the child, stay with them all day, etc. the love of a mother is worth leaving anything you might feel you "want" behind! i kinda feel like no one is ever really ready to get married and same goes for kids. I dont think anyone has all the money they want, the time they want, etc. for kids, but it all somehow works out and you will sit there one day and think, what did i do with out this little one all day?!?! You are such a good person, dont get upset, the time will come! whether you are ready for it or not! it isnt our time its the Lords and he will send you your little ones when HE knows it is time! so get ready!! Love ya!!

Logan said...

I think I'm the only guy to reply on this so far, but I understand how you feel completely and Ive thought like this recently myself. I know it's different because I'm a guy and I'll never have that "mother's instinct" feeling. But I think by opening up and airing your vulnerabilities, you've really stumbled on something here. The part that hit me the hardest and in all honesty, touched me a little (if I dare admit that), was this:

"I know that children bring out the mother in you as soon as they are conceived, I know that kids make your heart smile all the time, I know that kids make you love in a way so deep that you wonder if it can all fit inside you, I know that kids make you a better person because they're spirits are so Christ like, and I know that being a mother is the hardest, most challenging job in the world...but looking into your child's eyes makes it worth it 10 times over again."

That's prophetic Kelly!!! I think you'll know when you're ready. Maybe you won't "know" or "find out" in the expected sense, but you'll discover the time has come and you'll embrace it.

Sorry, this is long, but I figure a serious post deserves a serious answer.

Jen said...

You are darling! I think we all know what a great mother you will be when the time comes. But honestly Kell, I wouldn't get hung up on it. You and Jared will know when you are ready, and so will your Father in Heaven. Things don't always go the way we plan and we never know how long it will take our "little ones" to arrive but don't be persuaded from outside peeps. I hope you know what an amazing person you are, embrace who you are and what you want, but remember, your time will come, and whether you are ready or not, your selfish desires (which are totally legit, may I add!!!)will then be put aside!

Love ya to pieces!

April said...

I agree with everyone else! The time will come, and you don't have to feel selfish. I can honestly say that I never felt that extreme urge to have kids. Tyler and I waited a couple of years after we were married. And I was scared to death when I found out I was pregnant, wondering if I was really ready. Like most people have said, I don't think you really ever are. There aren't any instruction books or manuals that come with those babies...darn! But I think part of the reason I started having kids when I did, was that I didn't want to be an "old" mom. I love my kids and am so glad I have them, even though it's tough at times. When the hard times come, I like to read articles on Motherhood and remember what my calling here on earth is. You do miss the "alone" time, but it's definitely worth it. Don't dwell on it. When the time is right, it will happen! And you and Jared will be awesome parents! Love ya!

Payne Family said...

Kelly-
I have 2 kids and still have all the emotions that you do. Am I glad I have my kids....YES. Would I change anything....NO. Did everything change and all the mothering feelings came when I had my kids....NO. Mothering for me has always been difficult. It goes against all of my natural instincts. I hate to cook, I don't bake cookies, I get stressed out around a bunch of children, and I am not good at "playing" with them. I love them to death, but it has just never felt like "I was born to do this". I have always felt guilty because of this. Especially growing up in the church, where you are constantly told this is your calling. It is like I did what I was told to do (had a family) but someone forgot to give me the yearning, love and natural ability for it.
And I think I am looking at this from the perspective of having a 16 and a 10 year old. It is easy to love sweet little babies, but a little bit harder to love a difficult teenager!! :) So I guess what I am saying is that I love my kids, fight for them, work for them 24/7..... but I don't think the natural yearning and love for the job will ever come for me. It will always be uncomfortable, but I have to just accept that and hope that my kids will know how much I love them inspite of my shortcomings.
Jen

Joseph and McKell Cope said...

Don't worry about the hang up. Just trust in the Lord and He will let you know when the time is right. Just keep praying. As for the shopping trip. I am in! And I am excited that you are going because I will also be saved from Christopher and Banks, Dress Barn, etc.

Mindy said...

Hey Kelly-
I like everybody's insight. I hope you know that you are loved by everyone with or without children. You are a loving, generous person! And when you do have children you will look back on this time and think to yourself..."I wouldn't have changed a thing"! Do me a favor though. You better still live on our street when you are pregnant and have your first baby. I need your baby! :)
Love,
Mind'

Stephen & Effie said...

Having kids is nothing you can ever be ready for, it is like getting married how do you get ready for that. You do have to give up a lot to have kids, so do wait until you are ready to do that, you are still really young. No worries

Mindy said...

Hi Kelly,
I read this quote on a friend's blog and thought that it really applied to your thoughts and situation...so I'll let the quote be my advice and input :)

"Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we really are. Because the way we see ourselves- our sense of identity...affects everything we do."

Bree aka Breeza said...

You will never be ready for kids! Nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming love you feel for your child! It is indescribable the dramatic way it changes your life! The only thing I can say is.....it is worth it! I think it is wonderful that you and Jared have taken time to enjoy life together and really get to know one another, that is SO important! I think the longer you wait though, the more comfortable you get with your lifestyle and I think you will find it a little harder to adjust. A child wont hinder your life, it will enhance it! The first year is the craziest and the best! Every year is easier and harder for different reasons! You are a beautiful and amazing person, you and Jared will be GREAT parents!!!

Bree aka Breeza said...

You will never be ready for kids! Nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming love you feel for your child! It is indescribable the dramatic way it changes your life! The only thing I can say is.....it is worth it! I think it is wonderful that you and Jared have taken time to enjoy life together and really get to know one another, that is SO important! I think the longer you wait though, the more comfortable you get with your lifestyle and I think you will find it a little harder to adjust. A child wont hinder your life, it will enhance it! The first year is the craziest and the best! Every year is easier and harder for different reasons! You are a beautiful and amazing person, you and Jared will be GREAT parents!!!

Trish said...

Wow! I agree with everyone else. You are a wonderful person that we all love...with or without children. They will come when you are ready. I had a really hard time wanting to add onto our family after Gabriel. I still was unsure when I got pregnant with Emma. But once she came into our family, I knew it was meant to be. I actually felt bad I made her wait so long! One thing to always remember is that a child is coming into YOUR family, YOUR life, YOUR marriage. Don't let a child change your plans. Still do everything... you just now carry a few extra bags and need a few extra minutes :) Love ya!

Staci said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts..it's been fun seeing what others have to share. I will say that I too have had those same feelings and being 30 years old and going through fertility treatment..it's been tough. For me the decision came to me that we needed to try something was when I was sitting in sacrement and I thought that if I believe in this gospel I need to at least try. So, being one that waited...waited too long and now it's not just about being selfish, it's a major trial that I know go through. I would tell you to not wait, because you never know what might happen or might not happen. But like eveyone has said...you'll know:) Thanks again for sharing!

Emily said...

Hang in there... you will make the most adorable mom! PS- Order Mario Kart on Walmart.com. (It will come in less than a week!)