Monday, October 27, 2008

My Deepest Fears... {Caution: This Contains the Truth}

I feel as though I should be writing something in particular but I'm not quite sure what it is that I'm being prompted to say. All I know is that I feel very strongly that there's something I need to say, or admit to myself and to you who are reading this right now but I'm not sure if I'm getting it right so bear with me.
I feel as though I need to admit one (some) of my greatest fears. One of my favorite mantras that I tell myself daily is, "Kelly,what would you do if you didn't fear?" Fear has ruined and robbed me of so many moments in my life that I have to constantly ask myself that question. Nobody knows of all my thousands of fears, but that's okay. I've learned that the only person who needs to know and understand all of my fears is the Lord and with him I can get through anything.
Your probably wondering at this point, "Geese, what kind of fears are we talking about here? Is she afraid of water? Afraid of animal crackers? Afraid of spiders? Afraid of velvet???" In reality the fears that haunt me are these: "Will I ever NOT be afraid of girls and the secrets the tell one another? Will I ever NOT be afraid to state my real opinion on things, and NOT worry if others will be upset by it? Will I ever NOT fear the future of me becoming a mother, worrying that I won't be good enough as a mother? Will I ever NOT be afraid to go to sleep worrying if I'm going to have another anxiety attack or not? Will I ever NOT worry about how I feel like an only child? Will I ever stop feeling the fear of not being important? When will my fear of failure NOT eat away at my thoughts? Will I ever be able to stand up for myself and stop fearing about the 'what ifs?' When will I NOT fear FEAR anymore?"
I'm sorry if this post is a little disturbing or too deep for you but I feel like it's one of the first real fears I'm actually overcoming! I'm tired or always trying to do or say what I thought should be said or done in that moment. I don't want to think about everything before I do it anymore and I just want to be natural and feel comfortable around the people I interact with on a weekly basis. I don't want to fear going to group gatherings anymore because I'm worried about the girls there and worried that I might have to speak with them and worrying the whole time that they are judging me and gossiping behind my back. (Bad memories.) I don't want to have to worry about making everyone around me happy and in the process of trying to do so make myself unhappy. I want to be me and for some reason since I moved to Traverse Mountain I haven't felt like I was allowed to do that. I'm done! I am no longer afraid to be who I am and to be myself. I am taking a HUGE leap for myself in admitting that and especially in admitting all of my deepest fears, but I know that it's okay. I know that because I felt prompted to write this post for a specific reason and that fact gives me a sense of peace. Maybe this whole thing was just for me, maybe it was for someone else who might read this, who knows? But for me, writing all my honest, raw, scary, real thoughts and feelings down was one of the only ways to overcome some of my fears...and I'm ready to overcome and conquer them so that I can be who I need to be. Having said all that, am I crazy for admitting all this to everyone? Am I the only one who has these fears? I guess it doesn't matter what everyone thinks right because I know we all have fears that we hold deep. I don't think I'm the only one...am I?

18 comments:

April said...

Good for you Kelly! You know, I share some of those same fears. So, I'm glad you put it out there and that I'm not alone! I've always worried about what people thought of me too. It stresses me out so bad! It's good you've come to a point and decided "Who cares!" and to just be yourself! Who is everyone else to judge right? Nobody's perfect! I hope I've never made you feel insecure. You are such an awesome girl and have nothing to worry about! You've got so many talents and gifts and you know how to make everyone feel special! Now you've got to realize that you are too! Love ya Kelly! (Sorry this was so long!) April

Bear, Angie, Honey, Cash & Bowie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Wow, I never would've thought that you'd be someone to feel like you didn't fit in. You are so pretty, cool, and dress well. Those seem to be the strict requirements to fit in here on Traverse Mountain. Your strength of character to admit those personal fears shows that you have a depth that you don't get to know too often around this neighborhood. Thanks for sharing. The tragedy is that I think most people feel like outsiders in this ward.

Emily said...

Kelly- You are amazing! I admire you for putting it all out there. We all struggle with different things- hang in there! You have been blessed with a wonderful husband... let him help you see why shouldn't fear any of those things.

PS- I enjoy reading your blog... you seem to say the things the rest of us are to scared to write.

Bear, Angie, Honey, Cash & Bowie said...

Yes, as you know Kel., I too can feel devastated when someone does something that helps me feel unimportant (and I am working on that). BUT (and it's a big but :), I do not compare myself with you lovely ladies, or worry too much about what anybody thinks about me when we hang out. I'm always just so happy to be there with YOU! I hope that any of you will always feel like you can be yourself when we are together, because I will always be ME & because I love all of you.

Jen said...

Kelly, I love you to pieces! I am really proud of you, and thankful to call you a true friend. You are truly an amazing person, and you've touch The Carpenter family's life in more ways than one. Thank you for being you! Loves!

Logan said...

You know what? It sounds like someone needs some sushi and a movie. Would it make you feel better to treat me and my wife to dinner an a movie? Spend as much as you want, we won't mind in the slightest.
But seriously, you are hardcore. I wrap my fragile and intimate fears and discomforts in humor and funny stories. You're a brave one.

Staci said...

Good for you my dear! I don't anyone would be human without fears...I will tell you that for me turning 30..I let many fears go and I figured out quickly that I will never make everyone happy and I don't plan to:) I do know that the girls that you would think this about are probably feeling the EXACT same thing..or people are just unsure about what they don't know and who they don't know. Thank you for sharing..I know that you will impact so many others!! Rock Band for sure!!!!

wessara said...

I believe some of those fears are just from being a woman! I am with you on what others think... I had to throw that fear out the window and decided I have enough friends!HA! JK! This area is hard to live in, esp if you care alot what the girls think cause everyone will find something wrong with you... you meaning all of us! I love ya girl and am amazed to read some of these to be honest... you are so talented! I believe you are not alone in these fears... trust me I am right there with you!

Mindy said...

Kelly-
I love you.
Mind'

jen said...

Hey Kelly, you probably don't remember me but I met you once or twice at my cousin Sunny's house. Logan Tanner is also one of my cousin's and I have read your blog since he linked it to his. This post was really an amazing thing to read. I love your blog because you are such an inspiration in the way you live your life and treat others! I think you just said everything that everyone feels at one time or another and I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate it and you are so awesome!

Bree aka Breeza said...

You're a breath of fresh air! You have always been someone I have admired from a far..sorry for not sharing. Take that leap of faith, tackle your fears head on...you will learn so much about yourself and grow more than you ever thought possible. You are a deep thinker..i like it! I'm in a lighter faze of my life at the moment! Phew....but I've been where you are. You're amazing!
xo

Shannon said...

Kell, I too loved reading this post. I am so sad to hear that you have felt this way. And yes, I have, too, here, at times. Did that make sense? I would ask why do girls make each other feel bad about each other, but I don't think that's it. I just have realized that it is our own insecurities that makes us feel left out here. I have struggled with it too and finally got to a point that I decided I would stop worrying about what everyone else thought, and if so and so thought I was cute enough, etc. Who cares? I too never felt like I could be myself until I found some really good friends I finally can be my nerdy or ugly or deep or sad self with. Now I don't worry about all of that anymore. Finally! I have always only thought of you as one of the most generous, kindest, and yes, cutest people I know! We all have a hard time seeing us as others do, but even with that in focus, we really only need to learn to see ourselves as Heavenly Father does. You know this. I loved your thoughts and your courage. I love you!

Stephen and Effie said...

Good for you, I think you will find that you have even more friends when you just be you. A friend in New Mexico really opened my eyes in a lot of thoes areas, and I gald that you are getting throught them as well

Steve-o said...

Kelly,

For some reason your blog came up when I was looking to find my own and I felt drawn to your most recent post. My wife and I moved to American Fork last January. We came from Philadelphia and are strong members of the church. It has saddened me that these fears are prevalent here. Your comment about the gossiping part of your fears is one that rings very true, especially recently. My poor wife has had to struggle with not really finding any real friends here because of it and can't really trust anyone (Very sad I think). Anyway, you can read what I wrote about the matter in an effort to comfort my wife and really express an important principle of the Gospel that can dispel the gossip and fears. It is located at: http://steveandalicia.blogspot.com/2008_10_01_archive.html
It is my post under October 7th.

Thank you for comments and I am happy to know that others are going through similar situations in this area. It is comforting to know that we can get through it!

Frampton Family said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one with many fears. Although, I have to say, I'm surprised Kel. You have always seemed so put together. I wonder why you fear motherhood. When in all honesty, I think you'll make one of the best mothers out there. Hang in there and just know that most of us probably feel exactly the same way you do. Thanks for your thoughts.

Liz Laudie said...

Your truthfulness was surprising to me, but only because you always seem so "put-together" that it is hard to imagine that you would have those insecurities. It would be such an eye-opener for each of us to see ourselves as we are seen by those around us. You, my dear, are gracious and kind, and have an infectious smile that brightens beyond your own beautiful face.
I hope you find the strength to be true to yourself and be exactly who you are, because, honestly, there isn't a better person for you to be.

Kelie said...

Kelly you are amazing! Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts. You are so inspiring!! And most of all thanks for being YOU! You are awesome! love ya!